Emnemily

Ridley's First Soccer Game

2010-04-25T20:28:00.003-06:00

Saturday was Ridley's first soccer game. She had a blast playing a new sport with new kids. Her team even won! Here's a video of Ridley's very first soccer goal ever!

The teams were so cute! I can't get over how funny a soccer game made up of 4 year olds can be!

I want time to turn around.

2010-03-10T00:19:00.001-07:00

I miss my babies.

They can't be babies forever, I know.

But,

I miss my babies.

I cannot believe that Ridley will start kindergarten in 5 months.

Ugh.

I cannot believe that Harper stopped saying "Ree-ree".

Ugh.

I feel like I've been punched in the face every day for the last 2 weeks with all the strides my babies have made.

I'm a wreck.

A Story You Have Heard Before

2010-03-02T22:01:00.000-07:00

He found me in high school, it's a
Story you have heard before, of
Sunlight and the hope for something more
And friendship turns to passion, like some
Bird that learns to fly
There is no time for the chance to wonder why

So kiss my eyes until I get to sleep
With promises we knew we could not keep

He said stand up, make some sound
Try to let them see
Throw your histories to the ground
Set all your prisoners free
He stands back to sigh
This impossible goodbye

Now who can show the moment when
Commitment goes astray?
Does my mind still so entwined in yesterday
Strung out my emotions, like some
Loving puppeteer
But these strings are not as light as they appear

I came a thousand miles to see his eyes
He met me with this new, aloof disguise

This fear tastes like a rusty knife
A chocolate bar's tinfoil
Love tastes like it's soaked in life
Anger, blood and soil
He stands back to sigh
This impossible goodbye

Well, I am witness to his soaring soul and my
Am I another souvenir that he must leave behind?
With light that sings, the ice, these wings, my bonds untie
I think I see some open sky

He said stand up, make some sound
Try to let them see
Throw your histories to the ground
Set all your prisoners free
This fear tastes like a rusty knife
A chocolate bar's tinfoil
Love tastes like it's soaked in life
Anger, blood and soil
He stands back to sigh
This impossible goodbye

We both start to cry
It's this impossible goodbye

Unearthly Refrain

2010-03-02T21:40:00.001-07:00

Expectations loom and haunt me
With these questions I must choose
In our minds that youth formed with the
Friction of opposing views
We're not spilled on grasping whims
Kick 'em in, so plain to see
Stressly fierce and yet unvented
Still I have no tragedy

To be soaring in un un un unearthly refrain
Fall face down in the mud for the tiny comment, rough and bland
To be soaring in un un un unearthly refrain
Fall face down in the mud for the tiny comment, rough and bland

Salted crackers, sun and water
Sprinting fast through unmarked snow
With all these thoughts of moving forward
That's okay, we eat too slow
Smell and taste and interaction
Watch me wonder, watch me strive
Breathing deep the sun's first shadows
'Cause I live, 'cause I am alive

To be soaring in un un un unearthly refrain
Fall face down in the mud for the tiny comment, rough and bland
To be soaring in un un un unearthly refrain
Fall face down in the mud for the tiny comment, rough and bland
You're rough and bland

Airport Lounge

2010-03-02T21:35:00.002-07:00

Slouch down in my puke-orange chair and sigh
The air is full of nerves and human cells
Beside me sits some awkward girl who lies
Fell half in love within the airport lounge

Captain says "No smoking, if we crash try not to die"
Flying some preposterous amount of meters high
The lavatory has smoke alarms and lukewarm water and I can see
The clouds outside stretched out to nowhere, ribbed and textured easily

So aimless for so long I think I might have lost my way
It's far too late to talk about tomorrow
These are things I feel and things I think and try to say
Still waiting for the morning, I'm still waiting for today

We'll try to make you see there is no way
Attempts at comprehension always miss
He lays his body down and tries to say, he tries to say, he tries to say:
"There is no answer to a kiss"

These people make me angry, what is your's and what is mine
Talk of shopping, pure white noise, abide by every "Don't Walk" sign
Dinner at the restaurant so tisn't very nice
Nineteen dollars and fifty cents for some tasteless chicken and wild rice

So aimless for so long I think I might have lost my way
It's far too late to talk about tomorrow
These are things I feel and things I think and try to say
Still waiting for the morning, I'm still waiting for today

So aimless for so long I think I might have lost my way
It's far too late to talk about tomorrow
These are things I feel and things I think and try to say
Still waiting for the morning, I'm still waiting for today

An odd moment of parental clarity

2010-01-21T22:23:00.003-07:00

I just told Ridley how disappointed I was in her behavior.

Background: It all started nice and sisterly. Ridley was very nicely scratching Harper's back. It turned ugly about when Ridley scratched really really hard, leaving 2 long deep scratches down Harper's back, parts of which required band-aids to appease the bleeding.

I sat Ridley down and explained to her why she needed to love her sister, not be mean, and how disappointed I was that she had forgotten that.

It's at this point that Ridley breaks down in tears, clearly feeling very badly that she had hurt her sister.

For the first time I didn't comfort her, I didn't tell her it was ok. It wasn't ok that she hurt Harper so bad.

And that's where the odd parental clarity comes in.

I realize now that the occasional guilty conscience is an extremely good thing. If people didn't have that feeling every now and then, we'd just all be jerks with no remorse and the world would be an even worse place than it already is.

I've never really had a good grasp on why we teach our kids the things we teach them. It's just what you're supposed to do, right? Help them grow up to be decent people.

Well, my kids are going to know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that there is right and there is wrong. This seemingly small situation has opened my eyes to all the other instances where I've been teaching my kids right and wrong without really even realizing it.

I'm very grateful for these little moments of clarity. They make me remember why I love being responsible for small lives, not scared of it. They make me remember that I'm a good mom, that Andrew's a good dad. That we've taught our children right.

Fun New Pictures

2009-11-29T01:14:00.001-07:00

The title explains :)

As promised, Harper's Princess song.

2009-11-20T19:59:00.003-07:00

Harper is a stinkin cutie

2009-11-17T22:34:00.000-07:00

Her songs make me super happy :)

"Harper a princess
Ree-Ree a princess,
Mommy a princess,
No, Daddy not a princess!"

I'm going to do my best to get this on video-so stinkin cute!

Also - I'm on vacation all next week - Yay!

Finding Time...

2009-11-15T11:49:00.005-07:00

Trying to find time to update is difficult. In a world of time-outs and hyper kids, it's hard to just take a moment to think about the good things.

My kids are now at the age that they are constantly at each other's throats. Jealousy abounds in our house lately. If one gets something, the other is in tow, wondering where their prize is. If one is being good, it's inevitable that one is being naughty. Such is the life of 2 and 4 year olds.

Ridley is starting to get full-on ready for Kindergarten. Learning her address, phone number, and other such items is hard for her to comprehend, but she's getting there. She's writing all of her letters really well, and is finally getting the concept of time. She now calls tomorrow tomorrow instead of yesterday. Small goals, big rewards! She'll be taking a test in January or February to get into Hawthorne Elementary's ELP program (Extended Learning Program). This is an all day kindergarten program for advanced students. I don't want my kids to get bored in school like I eventually did, so we need to make sure to keep them challenged as much as possible. This program also includes after school hours for a number of different activities, like piano or violin lessons, basic gymnastics, and a lot of other choices. Once the time gets closer, we'll let her choose her after school activity. This is a great program, especially for us, since I cannot change my work schedule easily. Knowing that I'll be able to pick her up from school around 5:30 is a great relief.

Harper is talking up a storm and loves to have books read to her. She is doing everything she can to keep up with big sis, and is acting older than her 2 years all the time. She's climbing, jumping, yelling, hitting, running - everything and more you could expect. Her speech is growing by leaps and bounds every day, and we can actually understand almost everything she says now! Even though Spongebob Squarepants still comes out as "Baba Dada", we know what she means :)

Work has been steady for both of us. There have been layoffs all around me at my work, but I'm confident that I'm in the clear, at least for now. Andrew's business is finally starting to pick up at work, which is a good sign for holiday retail sales. If he can keep having up numbers, he might even bonus, but we're not keeping our fingers crossed.

I'll do better at keeping this updated. This is much longer than I had originally intended, so hopefully I've got it all covered :)

Halloween 2009

2009-11-15T11:04:00.000-07:00

Slightly late - but still adorable :)

Brooklynn and Harper Turn 2!

2009-08-24T18:25:00.001-06:00

My sister and I are lucky enough to have had our second children 1 week apart from eachother. In the spirit of turning 2, my niece Brookie very nicely shared her birthday party with my little Harper (who will be turning two on Sunday). Here are some pics of the event. :)

I'm taking a stab at writing a book...

2009-08-23T15:21:00.003-06:00

Here's the beginning. Let me know what you think. Would you read it based solely on this?

The Child,
Full of Hope

By
Emily Stuart

"The sun has a purpose. The moon has a purpose. The snow has a purpose. Cows have a purpose. You were born for a purpose. You have to find your purpose. Go to school. Learn to read and write. … What is your purpose, your occupation? Find your purpose.…"

Love is the net where hearts are caught like fish.”

- Muhammad Ali

Prologue

Her life started in much the same way as any other. A hot night in Abbadia San Salvatore, Italy, young hormones raging.

“C'mon baby. It'll be ok. Everyone is doing it.”

“Ok, but don't tell anyone about it. I don't want to be the town slut.”

At the age of twelve, what else would people think?

Jump ahead nine months. The tiny, innocent baby had heard the rumblings from outside the womb the whole pregnancy.

“That poor little baby, being born to a thirteen year old mother. How will she ever take care of that poor child?”

“How could her mother let this happen. Only twelve when she got knocked up. Tsk tsk.”

“She's clearly just a rebel, and that baby has no chance of anything better. That's really too bad. If only she'd had parents who cared, maybe this wouldn't have happened...”

Little did they know, the young mother was on her way to LAX, the largest airport in California, USA.

Adoption was the name of the game now. With a picture of the parents-to-be in hand, her mother moved swiftly, so as to not bring much attention to their “little problem”.

“Get out of the car now Diane. It's time to go.”

Her mother helped her carefully, so as to not damage the precious, money making cargo she held in her nearly bursting belly.

“Do you remember what you say to these people when you get there?”

“Of course, mother. We've been through it a thousand times, at least.”

“Repeat it to me. I want to make sure.”

“Thank you so much for taking this burden off of me and my family. You are godsends. You have saved me the hardship of trying to raise a child of my own when I am just a child myself”, she stated in the broken English she had been practicing over the last seven months.

Her mother insisted that the child would be an American, far away from any ties to the “family” the baby would leave behind in their small city in Italy.

Self-preservation had been a lifelong struggle surrounding (but not constricting) the small baby, even before her hapless birth.

“Here's your ticket. There's your terminal. Don't call until the baby is born and gone. Your father and I will wire you the money for a ticket home when you can prove it's all taken care of.”

“Uh, okay. No 'good luck', 'remember your breathing', 'we love you honey?'”

“Of course not! How absurd you can be, little girl! You got yourself into this mess. You're lucky we've gotten you out of it. Goodbye.”

Not only did the young girl feel crushed, but she had a feeling the small baby in her belly felt it too.

Sadly, she did.

Nice and Cozy!

2009-05-06T23:32:00.002-06:00

Ridley thinks keeping Harper awake is the funniest game EVER! Yes, I know the video is black - that's because Harper is supposed to be sleeping and Ridley is keeping her awake.

And she likes to tell jokes....

2009-05-06T22:35:00.002-06:00

Ridley likes to tell silly stories

2009-05-06T22:17:00.003-06:00

Pre-Easter fun times.

2009-05-06T22:03:00.002-06:00

I finally got my dumb phone to work with my computer so now I can put up some more pics from the pre-Easter extravaganza that was my family get together :)

Easter - yes, a few weeks later....

2009-04-27T18:07:00.003-06:00

Here's some photos from Easter weekend. We had a blast coloring and subsequently looking for eggs.

I can't get my pictures to load from my phone, but I'll get them up soon. :)

The October Garden

2009-04-22T20:04:00.001-06:00

If you were zinnia, still bright
in the October garden and I the last
orange cosmos.
If you were catmint blue
draping yourself over the cinder block wall
and I the weed coming up through gravel.
If you were the bamboo pole, listing
under the weight of late green tomatoes
that will never ripen now, and I
the frayed string that binds them.
If you were heavy purple grapes dangling
over the canted railing and I the feasting
thrush.
If you were summer's echo
in yellow coreopsis and I the tall sedum,
autumn-flushed.
If you were the sun
breaking slant over that little grove of aspens
across the street,
if you were hummingbird's
quick wing,
if you were winter coming on
or the studious worm and I the turned
earth, the patch of moss beneath an oak,
the oak's sharp-edged leaf ready to crackle
underfoot, the white-throated sparrow's
familiar three descending notes in a minor
key,
oh,
if only I were sometimes
you and you were me.

It's Official.

2009-04-03T18:46:00.004-06:00

I do NOT have cancer.

For those of you who were wondering what the crap was going on, I found a lump and was extremely worried that I might have cancer.

A little background...

I am adopted. I have known this since I was a baby. I have tried to contact my birthmother from time to time in my life, all to no avail. I even stated that I just needed to know some medical history, not become one of those Maury Povich "Successful Reunion" stories. F that. I just wanted to know what I, and my children, are in for. Health-wise anyhow.

Dramatic as it sounds, it's not so bad. I don't care that I don't know her. She was young and either couldn't take care of me or did not want me or both. No big. I've had 27 years to deal, and I have.

Until I found that lump.

Over the past two weeks, it had grown, so I was even more worried about it. I have since found out that had it stayed the same size, it would've been more to worry about. Little did I know. Sheesh.

Anyhow, I had a mammogram, ultrasound, and biopsy yesterday and it's Prognosis: Negative. (I couldn't help the Seinfeld reference)

I couldn't be happier! It's the biggest stress off my back that you could imagine.

There's still a lingering suspicion there in my mind, because, if you don't know me well enough, I'm a HUGE worrier. H-U-G-E. So, in my steadfastness, I will continue to monitor it.

I was told that it's an infected/clogged mammary gland that has probably been clogged/infected for quite some time, as I was unable to breastfeed either of my kids. Probably hereditary. Stupid heredity.

Anyhow, everything is back to normalcy on the homefront. Thanks for the support, even though you didn't know what the crap was going on. :)

I moved Duck Hunt on my blog.

2009-04-03T18:46:00.001-06:00

For the 1 of you that cares :)

I added Duck Hunt to my blog.

2009-04-01T21:16:00.001-06:00

It's fun. You should play it.

Bad News

2009-03-28T13:21:00.003-06:00

Begin Transmission:

Some bad news has come my way this week. Majorly bad news. Ugh.

I don't know when I'll feel ok to talk about it, because right now, I'm not ok.

If I don't answer calls or texts, it's not you. It's me. (I'm like a bad break up right now).

I love all of you. Maybe soon I'll be more open to talking.

Right now, I just need to wrap my mind around this.

End transmission.

Potty Trained! (For the most part)

2009-03-21T12:33:00.007-06:00

Ridley is now officially potty trained! There is the occasional accident, as is to be expected. However, she's doing great! She definitely needs to be reminded to go, but she's doing super great!

This being said, it's kind of a bum out. It means that she's that much closer to pre-school in the fall and even closer to being a four year old! I cannot believe that she is so old! It seems like it was very recently that I was freaking out I was even having a kid. Now she's extremely independent and such a big girl!

I'm very very proud to say that she's a mini version of me and Andrew. We couldn't have asked for a better little girl!

Sunday Funday (A Few Days Late...)

2009-03-04T17:55:00.003-07:00

This past Sunday, the girls and I went to my mom's house to have a picnic and play at the park. The picnic ended up just being lunch at the house, but that's ok. It was still super fun.

After a long week for my mom, sisters, and brother, we had a nice, chilled out day.

I love my family. My mom, Shannon, Christopher, Jordan, Maranda, Ashley, and Bryson are all super awesome. I wish I told them that more often. I'm pretty lame.

Here's some pictures from the park. Super fun!

I would have labelled the pictures, but there are too many, and I'm lazy ;)

I hate Comcast.

2009-03-02T11:40:00.002-07:00

Really. A lot. For over a month now (probably more like two) Comcast has sucked. A big one. Every show we try to watch is all pixely and crappy. On Demand doesn't work. Ever.

I've called multiple times with my bitch-face on and still nothing happens.

This matters for mainly one reason...

I can't watch Battlestar Gallactica.

I know. I'm an uber dork. I don't care though. I love it. And when I can't watch it, my bitch-face stays on longer.

They come on demand on Saturdays. I can't seem to even remotely get them to work until, at the earliest, Wednesday.

This has not been too big a problem as I have been able to watch them online.

Until February 20th's episode.

Nope, it's not online. Neither is February 27th's. I was finally able to watch the one from Feb. 20, but still no luck on Feb. 27's.

Ugh.

Does anyone know of any websites that'll have it?!? I'm dying here.

The Cast Is Off!

2009-02-20T22:36:00.002-07:00

Ok Shannon. So you're right. I screwed up my pictures and they're all corrupted. I have to now figue out how to upload my pictures from my phone. So this is the crappy pre-blog I promised you.

I got my cast off today. I also got the pins removed from my arm. Not the most pleasant experience, but I'm happy to have somewhat freedom now. I still have very little range of motion, but it'll get there, faster than I think apparently.

I will figure out the picture thing tomorrow. I'm sleepy now.

My Canvas

2009-02-15T12:15:00.000-07:00

Living on the walls of my own life
I live on the sidelines
Hanging in an eight by ten
Hoping for even a sideways glance...

Why don't you invite me in?

Ignored like the canvas
Hanging on a wall
Years of diversions
To distract you from me.

Why don't you invite me in?

Screaming and yelling
For the attention I need
Even a little bit of dusting
For the canvas on the wall.

I need a larger space
For the dreams that I hold
So dearly in my canvas...
You may as well paint over me
For all the glimpses offered me.

And then a look,
A squint in the dark,
Maybe this painting is
Worth something after all.

I feel like an outsider
In my own life.
I need to look deeper,
More regularly,
Into my own canvas.

Why don't I invite me in?

Sunday Funday!

2009-02-15T12:01:00.002-07:00

The girls and I had tons of fun at Discovery Gateway today!

Wrist

2009-01-15T21:11:00.001-07:00

I had surgery on Monday to put in some bone graft and two pins. Fun times :)

I still need to put up my x-rays, but no worries - they're coming soon!

My hurty New Year's Eve

2009-01-02T20:05:00.003-07:00

I'm stupid. Slipping on ice is just a thing I do. Never this bad though...

I'm probably going to need surgery. I broke my wrist and cracked my elbow. Totally gnarly.

Stupid icy stairs plus drinks. Stupid me.

I've heartily decided that I will rarely go to a party ever again, if even at all.

So. Not. Worth. It.

However, I have some pretty rad x-rays. I'm going to post them later. When I get a little less hurty.

Potty Training, V. 2.0

2008-12-31T16:35:00.002-07:00

Well, Ridley is finally wanting to wear "big girl panties" on her own. She has officially made it 24 hours without accident, but now that I've said it, she'll probably have one :)

It's been a struggle to get her potty trained. She's definitely at an age where she's not sure what she wants. Sometimes she wants to be just like all the other big girls. Other times she wants to go back to being a baby, like Harper. It must be very frustrating for her.

With a little luck and a lot of patience, we may get her potty trained yet!

Silly Girls

2008-12-28T19:26:00.003-07:00

Tub Time!

Christmas 2008!

2008-12-27T20:39:00.006-07:00

This year was probably the most exciting Christmas I've ever had! Ridley is old enough to know what is going on, and she was very worked up about it! She knew that Santa was coming and went to bed super early, which was very helpful to us! Here's some pictures...

The video is too big to upload. Let's just say, Ridley FREAKED out.

Ridley is figuring out how to draw!

2008-12-25T22:24:00.004-07:00

She is currently obsessed with drawing herself. :)

Phase 1 - The Beginning -

Phase 2 - Ridley - Big Head, Arms, Legs, Forehead, Ears, Hair, and whatever else she decided to add on -

This is an extremely fun age!!!

Tag.

2008-12-21T19:09:00.001-07:00

Before you touch me,

I will run.

If I touch you, you

must stop.

If I lose you, we

won't stop

and must run on

as two

forever.

Try to touch the larch's

bark,

try to call it

home.

If you go beyond

the grass,

you'll have no

voice,

you'll have

no one.

Beyond the grass

time stops;

try to touch

the larch's

bark,

try to

touch me,

we can stop,

we can try

to call it home.

red rover

red rover, red rover, why can't

you come over?

toward morning, toward evening,

why not let go;

and come over, come

over, why can't you

come over? red rover, red

rover, decider, permitter,

red rover, red rover,

why won't you let go?

My Mother's Garden

2008-12-21T19:08:00.000-07:00

I lost my copper key

in my mother's garden

I lost my silver knife

staring at a cloud

I found my wooden boat

hiding in the rushes

I found my wishing stone

hiding in my shoe

I lost my copper key

hiding in the rushes

I found my wooden boat

staring at a cloud

I lost my memory

when I learned to whistle

If you find my silver knife

hide it in a stone

The Happy Friend

2008-12-21T19:07:00.000-07:00

How the happy friend became
a study in rigidity whose eyes
I closed quite carefully, I'll never know.
The long day's last surprise
meant nothing was the same.
Outside, snow turned to rain and back to snow.

The window framed a night
of soundless traffic passing in the street,
bare trees grew from the pooled light into dark.
The friend's life was complete.
Having no proper rite,
I rose and looked out on an edge of park,

slowly becoming me,
my vigil ended in a simple room.
Who was that husk inhabiting the bed,
the part left to inhume?
In speechless company,
I stepped out for a breath to clear my head.

A lamplit cloud escaped
before me as I walked without an aim.
I wondered if my friend had traveled far
now nothing was the same,
and falling snow had draped
a passing bus, a car, another car,

until the muffled street
was full of gliding ghosts. Those other lives,
anonymous to me, were everywhere
a person could arrive,
in houses, dark or lit,
in taxis cruising for another fare,

in shelters and motels,
in hospitals, on heating grates below
grid-plotted canyon walls of corporate towers.
Only a snowball's throw
from disappearing trails,
the living kept on breathing through the hours.

Fire In The Doll's House

2008-12-21T19:05:00.000-07:00

The paper house ignites
with an alchemist's bellows.

Golden-finned, arched, dying, re-aroused,
encircling every human and thimble-sized object —

Love, with the tiniest, red torch branded to your heart —
will you come now?

Blood blooms lie decked on the mounted beams,
devouring the scabs of tissue roses.

They follow the crumb paths
through little halls and rooms

no larger than the width of a child's hand:
tablets for worms, baskets for a litter of mice,

gnats swim in the pool
of a toy teacup —

Inside the sleeping tents,
vapor unwinds the dolls from the dolls' beds.

Acid ash snowcloud
little white sails

Voyage

2008-12-21T18:58:00.001-07:00

I feel as if we opened a book about great ocean voyages
and found ourselves on a great ocean voyage:
sailing through December, around the horn of Christmas
and into the January Sea, and sailing on and on
in a novel without a moral but one in which
all the characters who died in the middle chapters
make the sunsets near the book's end more beautiful.

And someone is spreading a map upon a table,
and someone is hanging a lantern from the stern,
and someone else says, "I'm only sorry
that I forgot my blue parka; It's turning cold."

Sunset like a burning wagon train
Sunrise like a dish of cantaloupe
Clouds like two armies clashing in the sky;
Icebergs and tropical storms,
That's the kind of thing that happens on our ocean voyage

And in one of the chapters I was blinded by love
And in another, anger made us sick like swallowed glass
& I lay in my bunk and slept for so long,

I forgot about the ocean,
Which all the time was going by, right there, outside my cabin window.

And the sides of the ship were green as money,
and the water made a sound like memory when we sailed.

Then it was summer. Under the constellation of the swan,
under the constellation of the horse.

At night we consoled ourselves
By discussing the meaning of homesickness.
But there was no home to go home to.
There was no getting around the ocean.

We had to go on finding out the story
by pushing into it

The sea was no longer a metaphor.
The book was no longer a book.
That was the plot.
That was our marvelous punishment.

Undid in the Land of Undone

2008-12-21T18:57:00.000-07:00

All the things I wanted to do and didn't
took so long.
It was years of not doing.

You can make an allusion here to Penelope,
if you want.
See her up there in that high room undoing her art?

But enough about what she didn't do —
not doing
was what she did. Plucking out

the thread of intimacy in the frame.
If I got to
know you that would be

— something. So let's make a toast to the long art
of lingering.
We say the cake is done,

but what exactly did the cake do?
The things undid
in the land of undone call to us

in the flames. What I didn't do took
an eternity —
and it wasn't for lack of trying.

Kingdom Come

2008-12-21T18:56:00.000-07:00

When it's finished, and I have regained
the present, the bedroom recomposing
itself around the pulpy grapefruit-colored
air of first light, of not quite May,
each atom briefly discernible as herself, a daughter
separate from her scheming family, each dizzy
planet plucked from her refractory solar system
and singularly loved before retrograde;
when myself has been returned to herself,
and I have emerged from that closed-eyed
kingdom of spit and jerk, the emergency
over, called off, the ambulance delivered
to the station sedated, empty, disappointed,
the dumbfounded stadium of my body being
rebuilt, panting bulldozer, conveyor belt
of sodium and tablespoon of bleach;
then I ask what other women blinking awake
alone in this apartment building? How
many fluid ounces filling this spilt city?
What other illegible autographs drying
invisible across our exhausted chests?
Exactly what kind of mercy is this?

A Poem Is Not A Prayer

2008-12-21T18:55:00.001-07:00

When the evening enters water,
the clear interior stained
and all in fire its minor sky;

when the sun like melted solder
burns into the green,
delineates the bones of each leaf;

the tree feels nothing,
the lake is not in pain,
this strange light is not a cry.

Nor does darkness bring relief.

Willow

2008-12-21T18:53:00.000-07:00

Okay, willow, breathe on me
from the sunless opening in you
crescent of gouges and breezes slope
on which beetles stumble and are
flushed out.

Traffic, human traffic with its rinse
of promises and pauses is coming
for keeps.

And look there goes a swallow transplanting soil.

Me (let me think it)

I can sit on this bench longer than nature
and not know or crave a thing
about this bench, bottle cap dented into its plank
and initials scratched beside it, beside
the point: two raw letters forward to back just
as rare as any combination.
And now the date, plume of digits, daily
statistic.

This is behavior, willow, this
drone, it accompanied you once
in your grove of which
you have a memory a lush one don't you?

Was there no breath of you there?

I crossed the arc of your silhouette and lapped
your leaves' signature.

Things grew from you -
beneath you in the patched grass
and not far away sat a man on
a bench.

You take it in or you don't.

You hide the sky or else.

Things lived in you.

You, stranger.

Let This World Endure

2008-12-21T18:50:00.001-07:00

I right a broken branch.
The leaves are heavy
With water and shadow
Like this sky now, before

The dawn of day. O earth,
Clashing signs, scattered paths,
But beauty, beauty absolute,
The beauty of a river:

Let this world endure,
In spite of death.
The gray olive
Clings to the branch.

Let this world endure,
Let the perfect leaf
Halo forever
The ripening fruit.

Let the hoopoes, when the sky
Opens at dawn,
Fly forever from under the roof
Of the empty barn,

Then alight over there
In legend;
And all is motionless
An hour more.

Let this world endure,
Let absence and word
Fuse forever
In simple things.

Let word be to absence
As color is to shadow,
Gold of ripe fruit
To gold of dry leaves:

Not parting until death,
Like a snowflake on a hand
The water vanishes,
So does the gleam.

Let so pure a presence
Never cease
Like sky that fades
From water as it dries.

Let this world remain
As it is tonight:
Let others, beyond ourselves,
Partake of the endless fruit.

Let this world endure,
Let the shining dust of summer eve
Forever enter
The empty room,

And the water of an hour's rain
Stream forever
In the light
Along the path.

Let this world endure,
And words not be one day
These graying bones
That birds will peck,

Screeching, squabbling,
Wheeling apart,
Birds that are our night
Within the light.

Let this world endure
Just as time stands still
While we clean the cut
Of a weeping child.

And then returning
To the darkened room,
We see he sleeps in peace:
Night that is light.

Drink, she said,
Bending over him,
As he wept full of trust
After his fall.

Drink, and let your hand
Open my red dress,
Your mouth consent
To its good fever.

The hurt that burned you
Has almost drained away.
Drink of this water, which is
The mind that dreams.

Earth, who came to us
Eyes closed
As though to ask
For a guiding hand.

She would say: Let our voices,
Drawn to the nothing
In each other, be
All that we need.

Let our bodies try
To ford a wider time,
Our hands not know
The other shore.

Upstream, let the child be born
From nothing, and pass
Downstream in nothing
From boat to boat.

And again: summer will last
No more than an hour.
But let our hour be
Vast as the river.

Forgetfulness has power
And death does its work
Only in desire,
Not in time.

4th in my 4th

2008-12-06T16:43:00.003-07:00

Ok Heather, this one's for you. ;)

Haha! Heather, you'll probably actually remember 2 of these people too! So, we were at a work sponsered Salt Lake Bee's baseball game, and I got this picture of some work people, (left to right) Camille, Wendy, and Nick. They're pretty awesome.

So that's the fourth pic in my fourth folder. Anyone else want to give up the 4th in their 4th?

Ridley's Hurty Thanksgiving

2008-11-29T16:41:00.010-07:00

I have quite the precocious three year old. Here's a cute picture of her.

She loves to do crazy things, like jump off our coffee table to our couch...

Thanksgiving Day was one such occasion. However, instead of jumping, she decided that crawling would be a better option. This, unfortunately for her little head, ended in disaster...

It's really too bad you can't see the gnarliness that was the back of her head. She was being way to hyper for a good shot. However, here is one of her at the hospital, where she thought she was just super awesome.

I guess being doted upon and allowed candy and car rides will do that to a 3 year old. :)

This is another one where she had just gotten the numbing medication stuck to the back of her head (I wasn't allowed to get any pictures of her from the front after that last one - she was ticked)

Anyway, here are a couple of pics of the double staple aftermath. They're not super clear, but on the first one, you can definitely see the staples.

The back of her head is currently a war zone. Not allowed to be: touched, itched, scratched, brushed, scrubbed or otherwise looked at for any significant period of time.

She thinks it's all better. However, the medical staple remover she'll have to see in just shy of a week will have a different story.

haha - Halloween pics, finally

2008-11-15T11:06:00.003-07:00

I didn't get many good ones, so you'll just have to deal with it Shannon ;)

Me, being the spaz that I am, forgot to bring my own camera to work with me on Halloween, so I got a couple of pictures from some co-workers of my cuties.

As you can see, my Patrick costume just didn't happen, due to said spaziness. Oh well. Ridley's costume came and it was a kids size large instead of a toddler size large, so I had to do some last minute quick thinking, but she didn't seem to mind how enormous the costume was, so it's all good.

The Trip to Oregon

2008-10-23T19:13:00.002-06:00

Ok, so, we drove 1713.3 miles in 3.5 days to make it to Andrew's Aunt Margaret's funeral in Forest Grove, Oregon. Lots and lots of driving. I have figured that we drove for about 28 hours total. Well, when I say we I really mean me. I drove all but about 100 miles of it, because it was my car, and Andrew follows people really, really closely.

Part of this drive was out to Seaside, so that I (and the girls) could see the ocean for the first time. Now, I've seen the ocean, I've just never been to the beach. So, without further ado, here are some pictures of the beach.

On the way, we stopped at Multnomah Falls (mostly for a break from the car). Here's a couple pics...

All in all, a good trip, outside of having to go for a funeral.

Margaret Cressa Tilden

2008-10-19T22:27:00.010-06:00

Andrew's Aunt Margaret passed away on October 4, 2008. We drove to the funeral in Forest Grove, Oregon over this past weekend.

She sounds like a really great woman. I wish I could have known her. She led a very interesting life, and I hope that I and my girls can have as full a life as she did.

Some funny Halloween Cartoons

2008-10-09T11:54:00.005-06:00

Halloween is Coming!!!

2008-10-08T19:21:00.003-06:00

So, Ridley is extremely excited about Halloween this year!

Contrary to last year, where her pirate face looked mostly like this...

But this year....

Ridley's going to be Spongebob!!! Here's a picture of her costume...

In the spirit of winning my work's costume contest (hehe), Harper will be Gary...

I'm going to be Patrick Star, (Similar to this costume, except home made, of foam, and for a big kid like me...)

And Andrew is (supposedly) going to be Mr. Krabs...

It's very exciting. I'm very excited. We're all very excited. Can you sense the excitement?

Potty Training - The bane of my existence

2008-10-05T16:39:00.001-06:00

I'm frustrated. Potty training sucks. Seriously. It's rough when you know your kid can do it, and she just won't. Ridley is said kid.

She's so darn stubborn!!! She knows when she has to go potty. She knows how to use the potty. She'd rather pee-pee in her pull-up than go to the bathroom.

Grrr....

Here's proof that she can do it.

So why won't she do it when she's supposed to?!?

My mom bought quite the neat little invention. It's called the Potty Watch. It plays music every 30, 60, or 90 minutes, depending on what you set it to. And it won't play music any other time, which is cool because it is supposed to remind her to try and go potty.

We'll see if this works. In the meantime, give me some suggestions. I need all the help I can get!

Bob the Beta

2008-10-03T20:16:00.001-06:00

Our fish, Bob (after Spongebob, of course) has moved on. In memory, here is his picture.

He will be missed.

Ridley Claims She Hates Me.

2008-09-27T14:28:00.000-06:00

So, recently, Ridley has taken to telling me two things.

1. She HATES me (yelling it usually).

2. She wants to watch me die.

This is, needless to say, somewhat depressing. I realize that all kids go through this stage, some longer than others. But...

It still hurts.

Work has been a total drag lately. Our house is way too small for the four of us and our cat. And our fish. (The fish takes up a lot of room, I know.)

I don't need to be coming home to her "hating" me all the time.

We were at the store today, for instance. I wouldn't buy her some M&M's. She was already way too hyper. So what does she do? Screams at the top of her lungs that I'm a mean mommy and she wants me to die.

Where do kids get this crap anyway? It's not like we're running around all the time telling people how much we hate them, least of all the girls.

I've decided that every time, from now on, no matter how frustrating the situation is, I'm just going to tell her how much I love her.

"Well, I love you and I'm the only mommy you have, so deal with it."

Or -

"Well, I love you, and you hurt my feely goods, so you'd better say sorry."

Or (My personal favorite) -

"I love you and that's all there is to it."

Do you have any other suggestions? Because I'm listening.

Harper said "Hi!"

2008-09-19T18:26:00.001-06:00

Not the hugest deal in the world. But, when you had a day like I did, it was awesome!

I walked into daycare to get the girls today, and she'll always crawl right over to me with a huge smile. But today, accompanying the smile was a big "Hi!"

It was great!

So, in the fashion of my last blog, here is a slide show of the youngest of Youngs, The Harper.

Missing the Monkey Chow

2008-09-17T18:47:00.000-06:00

So, I have really random nicknames for my kids. Stinker, curly, baby-babe, funky face... Monkey Chow is my personal favorite.

I was told today by Ridley that she doesn't want to be Monkey Chow anymore. She's just Ridley. "Mommy, I'm just Ridley Young. Man."

Bummer.

It got me to thinking about when she was younger, and as such, here is a little slide show to drown my sorrows in.

BTW - I think it's really funny that the only differences in Ridley and Harper's looks right around this age are chubbiness and eye color. hehe.

Vote!

2008-09-15T18:32:00.001-06:00

Courtesy of Rachel - Thanks!

Are you registered to vote? If not...SHAME ON YOU!

it was not until 1920 that women were granted the right
to go to the polls and vote. They fought long and hard, were tortured, jailed and even gave their lives for the right that so many of us take for granted.

Don't ignore the issues! Please don't let what these woman fought for be in vain.
REGISTER to VOTE and if you're already registered GET EDUCATED and GET TO THE POLLS!

In Utah, you can mail in your registration until Oct 6th. After the 6th you can drop off the registration form in person at the county clerks office through Oct.
28th! There's no excuse! Get registered! Every vote counts in the historical election only a few weeks away!

For my out of state friends, you can check your state's deadline HERE:
http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vd3d3LnJvY2t0aGV2b3RlLmNvbS92b3RpbmctaXMtZWFzeS9pbXBvcnRhbnQtZGF0ZXMv">http://www.rockthevote. com/voting-is-easy/important-dates/

They fought for us! Let's honor their sacrifices by participating in our most basic of civic duties.

The Grand Canyon Trip

2008-09-14T19:41:00.000-06:00

Well, we went to the Grand Canyon for the first time this last week. It was a lot of driving, but well worth it! We started by walking into an amazing resort condo thanks to Andrew's parents. It was two bedrooms and two bathrooms, and I think it may have finally given Andrew the kick start he needed to get a new house! The second day was driving to the Grand Canyon! Unfortunately, on the way up the mountain, my back window got shattered, which kind of put a damper on things. Here's a pic of our temporary solution to the problem...

We have different theories on how it happened - I think a kid in a passing car threw something and got the million-to-one shot he'd been waiting for. Andrew thinks either a rock got kicked up from the road, or a really big piece of hail hit my window just right. Regardless, we had no back window for a time. On to the Grand Canyon! Once we got there, it was gorgeous! I couldn't have imagined how pretty it was going to be, but I was not let down. The whole way there, we had Ridley totally pumped up, as you can see in this video...

Some more pics of the North Rim -

The following day Andrew and I had to ourselves, so we went to Zion's National Park, as he had never been. Here are some pics -

All in all, it was a great and well deserved vacation for all of us! Coming home was hard, but I'm sure we'll have plenty more trips to come!

Harper's First Birthday

2008-09-07T17:48:00.001-06:00

Well, it's official. Harper is now a 1 year old.

Time flies when you're busy, that's for sure. Between work, daycare, cleaning, cooking, playing... we have no time to ourselves anymore!

Ridley is having the time of her life being a big sis. She loves to teach Harper how to say crazy words, and Harper loves the attention. They'd play forever if we let them!

Harper's first birthday was a great one - she was able to share it with her cousin Brooklynn, since they were born just a week apart.

Instead of a cake, we had a cupcake theme, which was great! The girls had lots of fun, and so did we.

Harper's 1st Birthday Cupcake Carnage!

A little Birthday Hand Holding!

Brooklynn's Cupcake Didn't Stand A Chance!